they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
