Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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