the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
