I think my fart just growled at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
