So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
