I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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