Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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