And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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