You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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