The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
