i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
