You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
