dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
