Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
