how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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