my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Drunk is a universal language darling
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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