im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
