we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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