I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
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Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
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I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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