Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
