This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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