I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
