I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
