If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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