The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
