Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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