She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
