found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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