If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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