Sponge bath it is.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
