i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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