Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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