omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I deserve this hangover.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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