I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?