How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
