I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
