How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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