New low: just hacked my moms facebook
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
