yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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