I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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