you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
