just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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