You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
