Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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