R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
