just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
