So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
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