my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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