I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
