So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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