just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
