Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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