I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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