My cat gives me a boner
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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