Sober January is a disaster.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The adults are the big ones right?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
