I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
