Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
