i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
