worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
