i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I love you. Go after that dick
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