Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
