u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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