She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
