When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off