Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!