Apparently you make a good broom.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.