White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
